12 Days

Today is Friday. Twelve more days and we're heading east, back to Wisconsin. I don't know what to expect, but I'm excited and afraid. I'm excited to be near friends and family and to maybe take on various projects and hi-jinx I've had rolling around in my head that are specific to that area. But I'm afraid we're going to get stuck there. I don't even know if that would be the worst thing in the world; that place is a happy one for me. I just don't know if I want us to raise our kids there.

Why not? I mean, I guess if there's one thing I've learned in my life is that people are basically the same. At least in the limited number of places I've been. Then again, I don't think wondering whether I want us to raise our kids in Appleton has anything to do with the people. The people in my hometown are the greatest people I've ever met.

Is it culture? Opportunity? Diversity? I want our kids to experience all of those things, and they are of course limited in Appleton, Wisconsin. How limited, I don't think I know yet. It will be interesting to be back for an extended, and possibly indefinite period of time after living on the West Coast for the past eight years. Growing up there, I never wanted for opportunity or experience. (Then again, you can't want for things you don't know about.) But now that I've lived a little bit of life outside that bubble, my own interests and priorities have changed. Now I look back on Appleton and in many ways see a place that doesn't really fit me anymore.

It's not that I think the West Coast fits Rose and I perfectly, or that I experienced so many things that can't be experienced in Wisconsin, or that it's a better place than the Midwest. (We can hardly stand it here in Santa Barbara.) But we loved Seattle and Bellingham, and while I don't really know if I'd want to raise children in Bellingham, I would feel great about doing it in Seattle. Of course there's always the possibility that our kids would hate a place like Seattle.

Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it. I turned out, after all, somewhat ok. And Rose turned out great. But I'm a pretty smart guy; a critical thinker, thoughtful, compassionate, creative, open-minded, fucking hilarious. Of course you hope your kids will turn out better than you. So how will I determine what's better than me? Is it being smarter? Taller? Stronger? More honest? More "cultured"? More experienced in something? Funnier? (Sorry children. Probably not possible.) More talented in some way or ways? More wealthy? Actually, aside from getting way ahead of myself, those all seem like shallow assessments of worth.

So maybe place has nothing to do with any of that, or at least very little. Maybe in imagining what raising kids is going to be like, I'm giving place too much influence, and not giving Rose and I enough. Obviously, we will have the biggest influence on how the kids develop. (O... M... F... G... Am I just now realizing this?) So maybe it's more about the people in a place. Maybe it's more about relationships and friendships. The places I've lived most happily are the ones in which I developed the strongest relationships. I certainly don't think we could do any better than raising these two babies around our friends and family in Wisconsin.

For right now, all I know is that Pete, who is one of my very best friends and who is from Wisconsin, is coming on Sunday night. He's going to help us pack and we're going to do some bike rides. After that, Rose's mom is coming. She's going to help us pack, but we're not going to go on any bike rides. Then, after that, we're getting into the Volvo and driving. Driving east, back to Wisconsin, the place where we grew up.

Last Day of Work Here in Santa Barbara

Today was my last day of work at Roosevelt Elementary School here in SB. I was a little sad, I guess. A lot of students were coming up and saying goodbye and offering hugs. It was nice. I guess I didn't do as good a job as I thought telling students about my leaving. I think about a third of them had no idea. But it was a good day of nice, non-sappy goodbyes. Really though, the best part was that one teacher brought tri-tip and sandwich fixins for lunch. Really good. Really, really good.

Yesterday, there was a Going Away party for me in the teacher's lounge as well. There was a comical amount of cookies and snacks. So many, you couldn't even sample one of each, or your head would probably explode from the sugar rush. I really don't even think that you could've, realistically, sampled half of one of everything. There were so many goodies! But it was very thoughtful and I was very appreciative even though I almost missed it showing the new Math Super Bowl coach around. The teachers signed a card for me and gave Rose and I a gift bag of baby wares for the twins (bottles, nookies, teething toys, spoons and forks, foam alphabet). Good stuff, and our first actual baby goods.

When I got home, on the porch was a gift box sent from one of my and Rose's friends from high school. It had more baby stuff: a couple jumpers, or "onesies" (seriously, I have to use that word now), and a couple fun and informative parenting books for Mom and Dad (seriously, I have to use those words now, too) and some other useful stuff, too. It was really weird holding up the jumper and thinking that in seven months, there will be a small human inside of it. Wow.

In the end, I'm sad to leave Roosevelt at such an odd time; it's February, and I sort of felt like I was really getting to know some of the staff pretty well. On the other hand, I'm also really excited for these next steps ahead. A path has revealed itself, and we're taking it. I have no idea where we will end up, metaphorically speaking, of course. I mean, I know that in two weeks, we'll be in Wisconsin. I'm just saying...

My First (Their Third) Ultrasound

On Monday I was finally able to attend a doctor's appointment with Rose and saw the babies via Ultrasound for the first time. The first appointment I was supposed to go along on was moved by the doctor to a time at which I couldn't attend. The second ended up taking place while I was out of town for a couple job interviews. So, finally we had one scheduled for late afternoon, and I have to say, it was an ... experience.

To me, the ultrasound machine looked like a laptop computer on steroids with legs and wheels. There were two handheld devices attached like a mouse to the computer with a cable that interact with the mother physically and, I guess, sonically, and then display images on the screen. One of them looked like it was supposed to be rubbed over the belly so it can create the images; a kind of scanner (which is exactly what it was). The other looks, um, more, shall we say... intrusive? Luckily (probably mostly so for Rose, but for me, too) the doctor chose the one intended for external use. Maybe there's some protocol for using one or the other based on time, or circumstance, but I'm glad the doctor didn't chose the other one. Menacing probes aside, the pictures were pretty amazing.

The first pictures that Rose brought home were also amazing, but for some reason, I hadn't anticipated seeing any movement. But the pictures you see on the screen are live and in real time, so you are definitely able to see movement. One of the babies was kicking it's legs, which was kind of funny. The other seemed almost to be fanning its hands. It was quite a sight.

The babies, as they're supposed to be, are situated in a "yin/yang" position, with one pointed "up" and one "down." It was hard to tell their orientation in relation to Rose's but the doctor said that everything looked the way it was supposed to.

Interestingly, the doctor kept referring to the babies as "guys". (Oh, that guy's kicking his legs. Oh this guy's got a strong heartbeat, etc.) We don't know whether they're boys or girls or there's one of each yet. We plan to find out, but at this point, it's too early. I just thought that was kind of strange. When I'm teaching, I try not to assign gender unnecessarily so maybe it's just me. But I wonder if anyone in our position has ever asked her, "You mean it's a boy?"