It's funny how life changes. And it's funny how it doesn't. The biggest events in my life so far - my marriage and the birth of Oscar and Petar - I thought would change me magically, drastically. I thought that on August 25th, 2007 there would be obvious and measurable changes in my life. There weren't. Of course, Rose and I had finally committed to each other forever, but I didn't feel different. I didn't look different, and I don't know that I acted different. But we'd been together for the better part of 10 years, so maybe the signing of the marriage certificate was just a formality. I think, though, that maybe it was the beginning of a different mode of loving on my part.
When I quit cycling, cold turkey in 2005, I experienced great changes, both physically and mentally. These changes were not good though. I gained weight, slowly at first, and then very quickly as I began drinking more and more beer (also a not-good change); I became deeply depressed, and I abandoned many good friends that I had made through bicycling. It was impossible for me to fill the void created by casting aside 10 to 15 weekly hours of rigorous physical activity and camaraderie.
On the other hand, the marriage was a good thing for me. But the changes weren't as obvious. The same is true about having kids. Or, maybe the changes just aren't obvious to me. Committing to Rose forever was truly the best decision I've ever made in my life. But, I didn't exactly feel like a new, or better person after we said, "I do." I felt like I wanted to be those things, or maybe I felt more complete; I'm not sure. I do remember feeling like we were entering a new phase in our lives and relationship, which is obvious. And it just felt good and right to show all of our friends, family and loved ones that after 10 years, we still loved each other, and had come to the point in our lives where our individual pursuits were secondary to our relationship. I felt really good about that, and maybe that was the biggest change. Maybe I did the dishes more, too.
With the kids, it's different, too. I've gone back to work, and I don't feel any different. I miss two more people now, but I don't act any differently. My boss's wife recently had a baby, too, and he hasn't skipped a beat at work. He seems no different. I wonder if that's how people see me. "He doesn't seem any different." I'm more tired than I was two months ago. I think more about the future, I suppose, but I didn't undergo any changes commensurate with that whole, "having kids was the greatest thing that ever happened to me" cliche. Which is not to say it isn't the greatest thing that's ever happened. It's just, how am I supposed to feel after the greatest thing to ever happen to someone happens to me?
One thing I have noticed, is a strong desire to achieve balance. I want to care for Oscar and Petar and not fuck them up before they can even walk or talk (my parenting bar is set pretty low right now...). I want to be a good husband to Rose, and I also want to ride my bike and spend time with my friends, many of whom, for me, are like family. Can I do all that? Should I?
Maybe the changes will come slowly but surely and before I realize it. Or maybe they won't come at all. It's a strange feeling, being a husband and father.
